I’m crossing the country, headed back to the comforts of the Great State of Texas in a 1989 Mercury Grand Marquis. Right now, I’m huddled in a corner sending out this distress signal – if you don’t hear from me in a few days, it will mean that I was overrun.
See, I’m in Crossville, Tennessee right now. Somehow over the continuous strum of the banjo and the overwhelming stench of pan-fried Sudafed – I was able to eek out a few minutes of Internet access. I will be passing through Nashville tomorrow. I figure I’ll hit a Tradin’ Post somewhere before the city limits, as I’ll need to swap out my American currency for beef jerky and mason jars in case I need to barter for some gasoline.
After that, it’s open season. I figure them thar hillbillies probably owe me a good beatin’ for all the horrible things I’ve said. We’ll see how it turns out. I’ve slingshot-proofed the Mercury, but I’m not sure how she’ll hold up against musket and/or cannon fire.
You probably won’t yet hear from me until Friday or Saturday, so until then – I hope all is well.
Uh oh – I hear footsteps… I gotta shut down. CRAP those are definitely bare feet! I’m screwed! I gotta–
Aug 14, 2008 at 04:18:08
“…pan-fried Sudafed…”
This may have something to do with my hatred of Sudafed for it’s claims of inducing drowsiness (that stuff is meth ALREADY), or the fact that I’ve consumed half a bottle of Jim Beam so far tonight (btw, don’t go back to Beam if you’ve gotten used to the likes of Maker’s Mark and Woodford Reserve), but I found that line pretty freakin’ funny!
What’s in Tennessee?
One of the best friends I’ve made in the military was a guy that was from the Tennessee-NC border. The guy grew up on a tobacco farm; by the age of eight, he was dipping tobacco in order to condition himself for the chemicals he apparently would absorb through his skin in the future by picking tobacco. I am told this is standard practice. I’m not sure how true that story is, but this is the sort of people we’re dealing with here…
Oh, and he got assigned to the tropical paradise of Okinawa, Japan, and somehow hated it so much that he requested to separate from the military early. Real winner, this guy… (for what it’s worth, he was a Tar Heels fan, not a Volunteers fan, so even he was embarrassed of the state)
Aug 14, 2008 at 14:05:56
Uh oh….. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uzae_SqbmDE
Aug 15, 2008 at 09:22:00
Chris! Can you hear me, Chris!?
Aug 15, 2008 at 21:29:16
I’M ALIVE!!!!!
I went to a place in Tennessee called “Bean Pot.” It’s a small restaurant chain that is usually partnered with/attached to a gas station… found exclusively in the south if I’m not mistaken. It was um… an experience. Let’s just say – I snagged a menu for the purposes of scanning and sharing with the rest of you. Looks like the Titan’s logo needs to be reworked yet again.
I’ll tease you with this – no joke – all the waitresses at this place wore overalls. Seriously.
Aug 15, 2008 at 21:39:19
Soc – that story about dipping tobacco is so insane that it HAS to be real. Whoa.
Tennessee is an incredibly beautiful state. It really is. The people are very nice, similar to Texas… but I won’t allow myself to show them any love. There are a lot of Civil War battlefield stops along the interstate in Tennessee – I’d like to take the time to check those out one day, but I wasn’t able to this time. I make the drive to and from Washington DC about once every year or two – so it’s become quite an easy drive, despite the incredible distance.
Aug 15, 2008 at 22:20:08
I drove the entire length of Tennessee once, going St. Louis to Memphis and then across to Bristol. It is very pretty, but between my incessant mocking Peyton Manning anytime someone mentioned the Vols and my Texans hat, I was persona non grata for the entire four days.
It was fun.