With the news that Nashville taxpayers may have to provide funds to fix the sinkhole at LP Field, it feels like a good time to figure out what exactly went wrong. Here are the current theories I’m working on, here at the palatial headquarters of Houston Diehards:
1. Bud Adams was underground, gnawing through the wet soil looking for his dinner. He tunneled for several hours before becoming exhausted. By then, it was too late. Inevitable collapse. The media chose to not report all of the aftermath of the “sink”, but Adams was said to have been pulled out of the earth wearing a diaper fashioned from a Vince Young jersey, with a mouthful of mealworms.
2. Bud Adams built his ceiling too high.
3. Bud Adams’ secret stash of murdered kittens finally started to give way. Adams responded by immediately murdering 10,000 more Nashville-area kittens and stuffing them into the void – but it was too late to prevent the sinkhole (and too late for the kittens).
4. To save money, Bud Adams insisted on using his pitchfork to till LP Field for proper drainage. Because of the immense amount of evil imbued within in the pitchfork, each downward thrust shook the ground beneath. Inevitable degradation of the soil soon followed.
5. It turns out there’s an enormous amount of Sudafed, a key component of homemade meth, directly under the playing field. Several hillbillies, emboldened by multiple viewings of The Shawshank Redemption, tunneled under the stadium walls to retrieve some of that sweet “little red gold.” Many were successful. However, following the successful extraction and subsequent use of copious amounts of meth, most turned themselves in after watching a COPS marathon, which convinced them they were living in The Matrix.