I mean, really. After stealing millions of dollars from the Houston Texans and Carolina Panthers since 2002… after never learning to read a defense… after skillfully curling up in the fetal position on the turf while big scary men fall on top of him - what’s his reward? A year-long contract with the defending Super Bowl champion New York Giants, oh - and a million dollars.

I defended David Carr for years, until the Texans released him and he began to quietly badmouth the organization here and there. Well David, I know you love your pristine white gloves - but for me, the gloves are off.

When asked about his new contract with the Giants, David removed his mittens, checked the mirror, and offered this:

“I’m like an old carpenter. I’ve been through it. If you let that stuff affect you, you’re not going to be able to do your job. One of the reasons I’m excited about coming here is they protect the quarterback well and they have playmakers on the outside.”

Pardon me one moment WHILE MY ****ING HEAD EXPLODES!!!!!!!!

Let’s just take it line by line.

“I’m like an old carpenter I’ve been through it”…

What exactly have you been through? Criticism over the fact that you never put in any more work than was absolutely necessary to be a multi-millionaire quarterback while you were in Houston? Criticism that you’d rather lay down and die on the field than step up in the pocket and look off a couple of receivers? Your time in Carolina finally proved that your issues in Houston were easily as much a product of your below-average work ethic and inability to read a defense than it was of the Houston offensive line.

Also - a carpenter? Dude, I know you and your family love Jesus, but get over yourself.

“If you let that stuff affect you, you’re not going to be able to do your job.”

You mean in the same way you let “that stuff” affect you, and the way you have never done your job? You would know, having not listened to your own advice for SIX YEARS in the NFL. But yes, you’re a carpenter. You’ve been a very, very busy boy.

“One of the reasons I’m excited about coming here is they protect the quarterback well and they have playmakers on the outside.”

Who? Oh, you mean like Andre Johnson? Steve Smith? Oh, right - you meant Plaxico Burress, right. Also - are we positive this isn’t the exact same thing that you said when you were “saved” by the Panthers last year? Actually, yes it is. And much like last season, you’re going into a situation where you don’t have to worry about the stresses and strains of competing for a starting job… isn’t that just such a relief? Now you can sit on the bench, where you’re most happy - put on a new pair of gleaming white gloves every Sunday, and fold towels on the sideline! Sorry - linens… they’re linens.

Maybe you can also help Eli Manning out with his hair. I mean, it looks like Eli doesn’t care about his hair… it seems like he’s more concerned with playing football. What’s that about? Luckily, you’ll be near Manhattan so I’m sure you can get Eli, Mike Strahan, Brandon Jacobs, and Tom Coughlin to all go get mani-pedis together so you look your best WHEN YOU’RE GETTING YOUR FACE CAVED IN DURING PRACTICE RUNNING FOR YOUR LIFE FROM THE GIANTS DEFENSIVE LINE!!!!!!!!!!

David, let me help you. Here’s a list, for maximum efficiency:

1. Call and personally thank the owners of the Houston Texans, Carolina Panthers, and New York Giants for the money they’ve given you.

2. Collect all your carpentry tools.

3. Take your wife and kids and move back to California.

4. Open a ministry in your hometown.

5. Go to your garage, and lay your tools out.

6. Build a wooden casket.

7. Crawl into the casket.

8. Have someone nail the lid shut. (I am available)

9. Take a nap.

Good luck in New York, David. Have fun with the media. I suggest you forbid your wife and children from turning on a TV, logging on to a computer, or opening a newspaper - because what you just read above is going to seem like an episode of Oprah’s Big Give after you trot your act out wearing big blue.